They hated each other about as much as they loved me. Unfortunately, they neither had the insight or knowledge of what a toll this costs children… far into their adulthood. Yes, being the centre of attention, got me a few more gifts and trinkets than those of my little friends, but as adults my narcissistic parents should have known you can’t buy people’s love.

In a nut shell, my mom’s parenting style included a short fuse, on its way to full-blown anger, in a matter of seconds – lord help you if she found something to throw – she dished out justice instantaneously!

My dad on the other hand was quiet, but his eyes had that menacing look to them: like a guy who could lose control at any moment. His form of justice was all physiological: making you fear that his sword of judgement could fall on you at any moment. I’m thinking they could have made a perfect ‘tag team’ combo in wrestling: when one of them was through with me, the other would start up. Yikes!

So, I think these diaries, were my dad’s attempt to explain why he hurt so much.

But, the fact that these diaries were lost for decades and re-surfaced reminds me of a variation of the old saying, “Anyone can count the seeds in one apple, but only God can count the apples in one seed.” We do not know where these little seeds of truths (good or bad) end up and flourish, but the odds are staggering when they do.

My parents have both passed on, like most of the folks from back then; so now; it’s a bit like looking through a key hole into a time long past: seeing just enough to understand the ‘old man’ a little more. And, although, most of the writings concerned mundane things: the noting of meal times, etc., they nonetheless – after panning through the pages – it revealed some nuggets of gold, much too late.

In one entry, I could almost hear his voice as I read, “I wouldn’t know what to do without Freddie. He’s the best son any one could want.” As a kid, and maybe this was a generational thing, it would have been comforting to know that you were actually loved and counted for something. But actions taken didn’t match the words. I guess he was hurting, too. Yet, at thirteen, I was scared going to bed alone… in an empty house with only my pet dog for company. I never knew where my dad was, or when he’d be back. (My mom was living elsewhere.)

“I look at the world, and I notice it’s turning, While my guitar gently weeps.
With every mistake, we must surely be learning, Still my guitar gently weeps.”
~ While my Guitar Gently Weeps, by George Harrison

Eventually, divorce proceedings became official… ending up with my Dad getting 90% the of the value of the house. I was used as a pawn to get to my mother, puppet-like, saying the words my dad told me to say: “How can you sell the roof from over our heads.” My dad’s calculated move, coming from me, knew how deeply it would hurt her. Enough so, that she stopped all legal proceedings regarding a 50/50 split of the value of the house.

Plus, with her diminished share, years later, she bought me a new car as a graduation gift. Ironically, decades later, my Dad gifted the family home to me in his will.
And, isn’t this the tragedy? – both parents, despite flawed natures, still trying to do the right thing. The silver lining? Having lived in the middle of this double tragedy all my life, I vowed to never put my family through anything like this. And, after my wife and I raised our three kids, they definitely know that their parents weren’t perfect… but, they also know they were (and still are) dearly loved.

As for forgiveness? – looking through the eyes of God, let those who are blameless cast the first stone. But, as a recipient of all this love, I’m the luckiest man in the world!

That’s the way I figure it.

Photo Credit

Photo is from Max Pixel
First published at fredparry.ca

Guest Author Bio
Fred Parry

Fred Parry lives in Southern Ontario. He is a lover of people and a collector of stories, music, wisdom, and grandchildren. His raison d’etre? “I’m one of those people who believe that if my work serves the common good, it will last; if not, it will die with me. I still believe that’s true.” Fred spent ten years as a columnist for Metroland Media Group – a division of the publishing conglomerate Torstar Corporation.

His book, ‘The Music In Me’ (2013) Friesen Press is also available via Indigo / Chapters.

Blog / Website: www.fredparry.ca

When you have children, divorce presents an entirely new set of challenges.

Having children with your former spouse means you’ll always be connected somehow. You’ll need to be able to establish a new sort of relationship with them that allows you both to effectively co-parent without causing or fueling unnecessary drama.

So, how can you be a positive co-parent? How can you ensure you’re putting your kids first after your divorce so their lives don’t feel completely uprooted? Let’s cover a few tips you can use to do your part as a co-parent.

Map Out a Plan of Action

If you can still get along with your former partner and your divorce ended on “good terms,” it should be relatively easy to co-parent without arguing or disagreeing on every decision.

However, that’s not always the case.

If it’s difficult for you and your ex to get along or agree on things, one of the best ways to be an effective co-parent is to create a plan or strategy you’re both willing to follow. When you have a concrete plan in place, you won’t have to meet as often to discuss things, because you’ve already agreed on them.

Your plan of action should focus on solving any problems that might arise, including everything from scheduling to how to handle discussions about serious issues or situations in your child’s life. You can create a problem-solving flowchart to make it easier to visualize, address, and solve these issues. During this process, you’ll need to take the following steps:

1. Define the problem.
2. Brainstorm solutions.
3. Pick a solution that works.
4. Implement your solution.

You can then reconnect with your co-parent to discuss the results of your solution and what you might want to do differently next time. Not only does this type of plan keep you on the same page, but it also helps reduce the chances of an argument over any little things that might come up.

Put Your Children First

If you have a hard time getting along with your ex or you’re just struggling to deal with the differences in your life after a divorce, the best thing you can do is to make decisions with the well-being of your children in mind.

That requires effective communication.

Of course, it’s not always easy to communicate with a former spouse, especially if there’s contention in the relationship. The worst thing you can do is put your children in the middle of that contention. They shouldn’t serve as a “go-between” for communication.

Instead, sit down with your ex and discuss how you can communicate and make decisions with your children’s best interests in mind. Some of the best co-parenting communication techniques you can use to keep things productive include:

• Staying respectful
• Practicing a cooperative approach
• Providing necessary information
• Trying to stay on the same page

There’s no one single way to communicate. Figure out what works best for you, as co-parents, so you can maintain consistent communication without overwhelming yourself. It’s okay for your conversations to occur via email or even through a co-parenting app if that’s what you’re most comfortable with.

In addition to effective communication, being on the same page means deciding what’s best for your kids in every situation. It’s tempting to be “selfish” and fight back against every decision. However, when you both let go of your pride and pain, it will be easier to make decisions that help your kids feel secure. Offer them consistency and safety, and set a positive example they can carry into the future and use as they develop their own relationships.

Manage Your Mental Health

One AARP study found that up to 28% of people experience depression following a divorce. Even if you don’t receive an official diagnosis, it’s not uncommon to feel down, stressed, or even anxious about the way your life is changing.

When you have kids, those feelings can often be amplified. You might worry about what their lives will look like now, how your schedule will change with them, or you might even dread the fact that you’ll have to split your time with them evenly with your ex.

Protecting your children’s mental health is crucial. However, as long as they know they are loved and safe — and they maintain some consistency in their lives — they’re less likely to experience many mental hardships. Managing your own mental health is just as important, though it may not be as easy.

You can’t effectively take care of your kids if you’re overwhelmed with stress, sadness, or grief. Find ways to practice self-care every day so you can reduce your stress levels and keep moving forward. Things like exercise, mindfulness, meditation, growing a garden, or journaling can all benefit your mental health and make it easier to manage symptoms of sadness or anxiety.

Having a strong support system can also make a big difference. It’s not uncommon to feel alone after a divorce. Leaning on the people who care about you can make it easier to fight that feeling and stay strong for your children. In some cases, you might even benefit from seeking out professional help from a therapist or counselor.

Co-parenting after a divorce might seem stressful now. However, by putting your kids first and committing to a drama-free relationship with your ex, it’s possible to successfully raise your kids together – apart. Keep these tips in mind as you move forward, take a deep breath, and know that as long as you commit to being a positive co-parent, you’re giving your kids the best chance at a normal, happy, healthy life.

Photo Credit

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Guest Author Bio
Jori Hamilton

Jori Hamilton is a writer and journalist from the Pacific Northwest who covers social justice issues, healthcare, and politics. You can follow her work on twitter @HamiltonJori, and through her portfolio at Writer Jori Hamilton.

Here are some great ways to stay positive when a relationship changes.

1 – Legal Guidance

A change in your relationship with your partner also comes with a shift in all the areas that you once worked together to build. Your finances, your home, raising your children in an agreed set of values and morals, formed friendships with others and formed interests are just some aspects of your life that can also change significantly. The ending of this relationship means having to singularly de-tangle what you built together and hope for the best possible outcome. Seeking guidance from divorce lawyers for men can help you positively separate what belongs to you while balancing out what remains shared between the two of you. 

The law does not consider the emotional and mental aspects of the divorce which can lead to seemingly biased decisions made by those involved. Its sole purpose is to ensure that all parties receive what is due and fair. Having a lawyer by your side will help ensure that your rights and interests are protected during this process.

2 – Maintain Good Relationships

Keep in mind that you and your partner are the ones who are in the process of changing your relationship, not you and the other people around you. Because of the emotional upheaval you’ll experience while you’re going through this difficult period, you might find yourself shouting at the children at the slightest noise that they make or being rude to the teller at the store.

Maintaining relationships is important for you to remain positive because you might need your social groups and the rest of your loved ones for support. External support can encourage you to find a ray of hope when you’re surrounded by the darkest clouds. If you’re looking for unbiased opinions and a third-party perspective, consider going to a therapist to help you sort through your feelings.

3 – Exercise

While your lawyers tirelessly work in the background to make sure that you leave the relationship with the best possible outcome, you must resist the urge to spend the entire day on the couch in front of the television or internet surfing. Endorphins, the feel-good hormone that you get from exercising, help uplift your mood and increase your energy levels.

You can find online fitness videos to exercise to, find a song you enjoy dancing to, hike through the woods, go to the gym, or enjoy a bike session in the park. Exercising doesn’t have to be a scheduled period in your day. You can easily incorporate it into your lifestyle by, for example, walking up the stairs instead of using the elevator. As long as your body is moving and active, endorphins are released to help you positively face each day.

4 – Healthy Diet

Chocolate, ice-cream, and candy are categorized as comfort foods because these make you feel good in the moment. The long-term effects however don’t contribute to the positive outlook you need to go through the changes of a relationship. Refined sugar and fatty foods can negatively impact your health as these are linked to heart disease, diabetes, and obesity, to name a few. Ailing health makes positivity a challenge because of the medical processes, financial strain, and physical discomfort you might experience.

Try to replace the comfort food with healthy food that helps you feel healthy. For example, bananas are a healthy breakfast staple. You can replace your cups of coffee with one banana in the morning.

5 – Practice Gratitude

Practicing gratitude is one way of remaining positive during what may be a difficult time. Find reasons to be grateful about the time you were with your partner, and the work you put in to build a family together. Although the relationship may have changed, this doesn’t have to erase the happy memories you have with each other.

Conclusion

Despite what other people may say, relationship failures don’t have to completely take over your life. There are ways for you to keep a positive outlook and handle things maturely. You can start by seeking legal advice, maintaining healthy relationships with the rest of your loved ones, exercising, eating healthy, and finding other reasons to be grateful. Remember, being positive is all about shifting your perspective and nurturing your body and mind.

Photo Credit

Image by makunin from Pixabay

Guest Author Bio
Janna Ellison

Janna Ellison is a successful blogger who spends most of her time writing articles about law, parenthood, and self-improvement. Janna aims to help the quality of her readers’ lives by providing informative and relatable content.

Aside from writing, Janna loves to try out different kinds of water-sports.

However, future parenting is often not arrived at through mutual agreement. Litigating child custody is an emotionally straining experience and is often the last resort. Thus, it is extremely important to understand the process as well as its implications.

If you are sure that your concerns have had no resolutions and you are seeking court intervention related to child custody, make sure you know how to choose the best course for your child.

Have you tried mediation?

Most parenting arrangements can be achieved without the intervention of courts. A good lawyer will always recommend finding alternate ways rather than filing court claims for child custody. Experienced family lawyers have a proactive approach towards litigation and are best equipped with pragmatic advice.

You may find that hiring the right lawyers has helped you avoid going to court at all and even if the litigation is filed, an early settlement is reached. This saves time, money, and effort on all ends so that you can raise your children without interruptions and at the earliest.

Prior to filing an application in the Family Law Courts for Parenting Orders, you have to demonstrate that alternative methods of dispute resolution have been approached or exhausted. Again, a well-versed lawyer will be best able to gauge the exemptions that may apply to your case.

Are you sure about your concerns?

Remember, the key concern for the court is the ‘child’s best interest’. Consequently, any parenting arrangement determined by the court will focus on what’s best for the child rather than the concerns or wishes of the parents. The following questions can help you be sure and re-evaluate your own desires:

• Do you want sole parental responsibility? Why?
• Are there concerns about the other parent’s ability to care for the children?
• Are you willing to accept and contribute towards co-parenting effectively?
• Why do you want the children to live with you? Is the children’s ability to adjust to a new house or new lifestyle a major concern?
• Do your children stand to gain or lose from the proposed change in their social environment?
• Are your children at risk of violence, abuse or neglect? Can you produce evidence of this?

Your child deserves not only the best outcome but also the avoidance of a long drawn-out process that litigations are prone to.

Avoid mistakes that can cost you your child’s custody

Seek appropriate legal advice to evaluate alternate measures and also to understand the ramifications of your present actions. Most parents act impulsively during this period of stress. Often it’s detrimental to the welfare of the child and the outcome of your case.

Instances like badmouthing the other parent, withholding access or non-communication can have adverse effects. Another important purview that should not be neglected are the family reports and interviews. Many judges base their recommendations on these expert analysis and independent opinions. It helps to be prepared in this scenario.

Child custody is a complicated task with additional stress arising from a separation. If you need guidance to keep the children’s best interests ahead of your own decision making and would like advice, you can visit Prime Lawyers.

Photo Credit

Photo by Joseph Rosales on Unsplash

Guest Author Bio
John Guevara

John Guevara is an Outreach Specialist, Link Builder and Content Editor at Local Digital Australia. His passion for helping people in all aspects of digital marketing flows through in the services he provides for his agency. He has also been in the Business Process Outsourcing Industry since 2008 having served as a Customer Service Representative, Quality Assurance Manager, Project Manager, and Operations Manager.

Learn to Laugh Again

When a marriage comes to an end, whether it is for natural reasons or not, you may find yourself in a dark hole and feeling at your lowest point. However, you need to remember that life goes on and that you will find happiness again. It’s important to learn to laugh again and have fun, whether it be with yourself or with your friends. Try and remain positive and upbeat and you should notice a huge difference in your mood.

Get Back on The Dating Scene

While finding love again may be the last thing on your mind, you may benefit from joining an online dating website. Simply chatting to new people in your area can be a great way to boost your mood and make you feel confident again. Make sure that you don’t join a website until you’re ready. Only you will know when the right time is, so don’t feel you have to sign up to somewhere quick. Instead, give yourself some ‘me time’, which can help you work out what to do next.

What to Keep

One of the trickiest parts of a divorce is figuring out what is yours and what is theirs. Whether you own a house together or have belongings that you both share, it can be difficult to work out a plan that keeps both of you happy. If you still have your engagement ring, sell the diamond instead of giving it back. That way, you can earn yourself a bit of money that you can put towards your future.

Express Your Emotions

You are likely to go on a wave of emotions during and after the divorce process. Once you have finalized proceedings, you may not know which route to go down. You should be prepared for days where you’re feeling happy and cheerful as well as days where all you want to do is cry. That’s why it’s so important to express your emotions and let out your tears, as you will likely feel better in the long run. If you were married for a long time, it can be hard to let go of the past, so giving yourself time to reflect on your marriage and what you should do next is essential.

See Your Loved Ones

If you are feeling alone and need a shoulder to cry on, why not reach out to your support network, whether it be in the form of family or friends. Having your nearest and dearest around you after a divorce can help you tremendously. Having people around you who care for you and only have your best interests at heart can boost your mood and give you a clearer outlook on the future. Whether it involves talking to a friend on the phone or going to stay with a family member for a few days, make sure to speak out if you need help.

Although you may feel at the lowest point of your life, being a fresh divorcee doesn’t have to be a bad experience. Instead, see it as a learning curve and give yourself time to evaluate what steps you need to take to get you back on track. Learn to laugh again, love yourself, and push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Photo Credit

Photo is pixabay creative commons

Contributing Author Bio
Jessica Peters

Jessica Peters is a freelance writer from Melbourne who blogs about health and fitness. Jessica is an avid traveler and regularly crosses the globe to learn about other cultures while blogging from her laptop.

But having been through this experience myself, we found the way to do this was to focus on the one thing we had created from our marriage and had in common – our child. We also found that working with boundaries was the most comfortable way to move forward. We attempted to set some ground rules as a place to start. These ground rules are primarily for the children but also give you, the adults, boundaries in which to work. In this way, there are no assumptions about responsibilities.

When my ex and I first separated we decided on these things, which we wrote down.

First, how would we share child care? As we were both in full time work, the easiest was to split it equally 50-50. This meant that I was in charge of our son from Wednesday night until Friday morning every week and I would have him every second weekend from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. My ex was in charge the rest of the time. I was lucky that my ex was happy to share the child care in this way but he was very determined that he was going to stay in our son’s life. Our son, who was only three at the time, also knew exactly when he was with whom. And he took to it like a duck to water and still did it without batting an eyelid 5 years later! It also meant that as adults we could plan our own social lives and free time quite easily as we knew when we were doing what. There was no tension or opportunity for one partner to take advantage of the other with this arrangement. Of course, your situation may be different but you can still decide on a plan for when you will take care of the children – and stick to it!

The second thing we did was agree that our son would not be subjected to a long line of girlfriends or boyfriends. He would only be introduced to a new ‘friend’ if and when it was serious enough for it to happen. The dating and meeting of new people would happen in the parents’ free time and wouldn’t impact on the child.

Lastly we had a chat about how we would deal with discipline and decision making in connection with our son. This was really important as we were effectively sharing child care and we wanted to be consistent and show a united front.

I also resolved that I would never speak badly of my ex in front of my child and I would never partake in one-upmanship with my ex or any of his partners. This prevents bad feelings and vibes permeating the relationship between the three of us.

Even though we have now been divorced for almost 10 years and I as the mother have been granted sole custody of our son, we still operate in exactly the same way as we have done. My ex is now re-married with young children. I am even able to spend short spaces of time with his new family when I have to collect my son from a weekend with his dad. We have remained friends because we took the time to agree to these important things at the beginning of the break up. Yes, we have had our disagreements in connection with these main agreements but have always remembered that the child is the important person in this and have always tried to resolve those differences out of earshot of our son.

I’m glad we wrote our decisions down, because now I can look back and see that we have achieved exactly what we wanted to when we split up. We have both grown as adults because of it. People have commented that our approach is amazing and have asked how we did it. They also tell us that our child, who is now a teenager, is a well-balanced young man. So we have created something good out of the time we were together, rather than something nasty. Our friendship has blossomed out of the boundaries we set!

Photo Image

Photo from – The Blue Diamond Gallery – Creative Commons

Guest Author Bio
Debbie Stott

I have been involved in education of one sort or another for my whole life – primary teaching, university teaching, corporate teaching and training, as well as creating educational resources for primary and senior school teachers and learners. I completed my PhD in primary maths education in 2014 with a focus on after-school maths clubs for young primary pupils. Education and learning are important to me in all its forms – formal and informal. I am passionate about encouraging people, particularly children to learn new skills and knowledge, to think for themselves, to understand so that they can grow, be independent, make their own choices and decisions and be empowered to own their own lives. My other passions are photography and non-academic writing in the form of blogging. I have been taking photos since 1997 when I bought my first film SLR and am in the third year of a 365 photography project. I started my “Everyday Delights” blog as part of a 2015 100 Happy Days challenge as a way of combining these two passions.

Blog / Website: Dibz-zen

Ellen sighed and spread her fingers in a gesture indicating that she didn’t know either. When had Book Club turned into Divorce Club, she wondered. Bria and Ellen had been the last two hold-outs on the divorce front, but now Bria’s daughter was embroiled with an ex and that meant Bria was as well.

“When my Fred was still alive, may he rest in peace, we didn’t worry about penises. In the fifty five years we were together I don’t think I even said the word penis around him.” The group watched Bria fuss with her skirt and then pick the book up off her lap and flip unseeing through its pages. “Apparently he’s awful in bed.” She didn’t raise her head to look anyone in the face. “Avery told me that he hasn’t even progressed past the abilities of a teenager. Imagine, a grown man still fumbling around like that.”

“I blame it all on porn,” Matthew said. “That’s how kids get their sex education these days. Hours and hours of porn. No room for imagination or growth when your brain’s been cross wired like that.”

“Matthew’s right. Have you ever watched that crap? It isn’t normal. It’s all about getting the right camera shots and making the actors do the stupidest things,” Deborah exclaimed. “The men look angry all the time and the women can’t even pretend to look as if they are enjoying it. Not that any normal woman would want to be choked or spat on. How is that even considered sexy?”

Now this was news. Not about the camera angles and the spit, but the fact that Deborah had watched porn—even once. If anyone would have asked Ellen to bet between the chances of a mallard duck being elected to the presidency or Deborah having ever watched porn she would have picked the duck. Deborah with her pill box hats, her fuzzy, pink sweater sets and the shock on her face whenever anyone even mentioned the word sex was the last human on the planet she would have pegged to admitting watching porn.

“Well I had to, didn’t I?” she said to a suddenly silent room. “How would I be able to argue against something if I’d never even looked at a DVD cover of it?” Her face changed from pink to deep crimson.

“Tell your Avery that her old sex life falls into the TMI category,” Bethany said, she looked around the group. “You know, TMI—Too Much Information. Now how does she ever expect you to deal with your ex son-in-law when all you’ll be able to think about is that he has a small dick and he’s terrible in bed? You don’t need to know all the gruesome details.”

Bria grinned. “TMI, I like it.”

“My ex was great in bed, that’s the only reason I stayed with him as long as I did.”

“My ex wants custody of my dog? That asshole will do anything to be a jerk.”

“Talk about too much information, my ex is writing a book about our marriage. I didn’t even know she could spell.”

“The new wife asked me for my mother’s china, she said that James got it in the settlement. I chased her out of my house with a broom.”

Ellen sighed again and picked up a spoon and tapped the side of her teacup. “Ladies—gentlemen, can we please bring this meeting back to what we came here to discuss—our latest book.” She really was going to have to put her foot down. These never ending discussions about divorce were beginning to creep into her life as well. Poor Albert would have a heart attack if he knew that she’d contemplated it, even for a second. She would never understand this obsession. It was as if the universe was pushing everyone toward the brink.

The sound of pages being flipped open and people getting comfortable for the coming discussion were the only sounds for the next few seconds. Ellen held up the blue covered book, Wife In Law was printed across the top. “We left off where Betsy just found out that Greg was having an affair with his secretary and they were headed for divorce court…”

Photo Credit

Sins Of Flesh  – From Orrie Hitt Orrie Hitt : The Shabby Shakespeare of Vintage Sleazecore

The entry most certainly had a few lessons. The most important one being that all women who bring cars to the garage must first crawl under the car to see if there is such a thing as a tube leading to the back windshield for wiper fluid. Now this may seem kind of out there, but if you’ve ever gone to a garage with no ring on your finger asking them to fix this or that, you find out very quickly that your car, all be it only a few years old and with less kilometer’s than grandma’s clothesline was now a complete mess and in need of an overall from top to bottom. The mechanic, however, was kind of handsome, and the uniform – we will call it this – gave me a few things to imagine as he handed me a worn out windshield wiper rubber foam thing. To this day, I know it did not look like this when I brought the car in for an oil change.

I think, however, having a furniture assembler claim a mattress had to be assembled and attempting to charge me for it, topped this better than any cherry on an ice cream sundae. I proclaimed quite profusely that he surely must have been plucking geese in the backroom because I didn’t understand how a mattress was going to be put together in my living room upon arrival to my home.

Then the painting people, oh you fine folk who attempted to overcharge me yet again. I love painter peoples, got nothing but love for you with a side order of, “Do I have sucker written on my face? I mean seriously were you taking the colors from the spectrum of the rainbow, how did you come up with those prices?” At 45 I painted my first room, it was pretty, it was done well. My discovery that one needed to tape the edges of the ceiling happened after the second coat was applied, but alas it was finished.

Was that the end? Oh surely not, a plumber who charged me $100 dollars to twist a knob, an extra charge here and there, and I was brought to the realization of, “Girl you better get this in check, this is one money grubbing, pull at the 45 year old skirt pocket world.”

But, in the humor were painful moments of realization. When a life insurance company wanted to make me a costumer. I was canceling insurance on a house that I spent almost 20 years in with my X husband to be. It caught me by surprise, no one wanted to let me mourn or heal because nowadays divorce was seen as no big deal. I remembered moments of pain, I remembered hoping it would stop filling my chest with inconsolable doubt. I remember crying, oh my what a lot of crying. Niagara Falls seems to be a fitting image, but the whole time telling everyone, ‘I am all good, just fine, got it all under control.’

Then there was the kayak, the blue kayak with my plastic paddle. It was in this kayak traveling around the lake next to my home where I found the courage to say, “I am 45 and I am now single. I forgive myself for failing. I forgive myself for not paying closer attention to the cost of gas and home repairs. I forgive myself for this transition.” I entered single life here.

The wind, the air, the birds and the sound of the paddle took me away from the worry of everything not working out. It took me away from thinking of having to shed a few pounds because everyone and their uncle told me that if I didn’t have sex and a man right away, I’d be doomed to a life of cats. I came to love me more than any of the negative surrounding my entry. But most of all, I became one with a powerful energy in our lives which only nature can provide. In those quiet mornings, I met me again. I met the hope of life and the energy of living. I spoke to the God I believed in, the one who loved all. I was alive again.

An aside – The next time I get under a car it would be more advisable to make sure it is turned off.  Entry into my new life at 45 was a journey I won’t forget, but it surely has improved my wardrobe.

Photo Credit

Photo By Melinda Cochrane – All Rights Reserved

The look was on the face of the bartender when the four of us walked through the door together. It being a small town we live in, and the fact that we’ve been in that bar once before, our bartender knew all the players. She’s also an ex-wife herself, and at the time of this incident, was engaged to a guy with children (and an ex-wife), so it’s a topic she knows a little bit about. (She’s since married him, and for purely selfish reasons that have to do with the world’s best Margarita, she better not get knocked up and quit her night job.)

Being an ex-wife myself, as is my husband’s ex, I guess it was a little like a bloody ex-wife convention, which I think is what prompted the look, because those are two groups that (unfortunately) do not go out drinking together nearly enough.

As we sat down at one of the high bar tables, I looked across the room and caught the eye of the bartender, from where she stood on the other side of the room, facing me, holding a couple of pitchers of beer. I did indeed catch the almost undetectable smile as it slithered across the lower half of her face. At the same time, one eyebrow lifted just a fraction of a millimeter, and her left boob twitched. Just kidding. Her eyebrow didn’t move. Regardless, there was no mistaking the non-verbal message shooting across the room to me: “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

Which brings me to my main point: what did we have here?

Well, we had four people. That we know. We had exes. We had a new spouse. We had a boyfriend. We had loving parents and step-parents. We also had what is missing in so many ex-relationship situations around our little town, and consequently, the world: trust. I need most of the fingers on both hands to count the number of local families that I know personally who are embroiled in nasty push-pull wars in which the children are losing ground rapidly. Yes, we could have just stayed married, say all of you divorce-ophobes. To that I say nothing. I take that back. I say this: I know plenty of screwed up families with miserable children. Regardless of the marital status or flavor of a family’s dysfunction, if everyone concentrates on what the children need (loving, happy, supportive adults who are stronger together, than separate) the room for nonsense diminishes to nothing.

I know the bartender loves her step-children, because I see them engaged in loving, happy conversation and interactions; I see her rooting them on at sporting events, picking them up and dropping them off at school, attending back-to-school night and parent-teacher conferences. I see her being a mom to them, wiping tears, taking them shopping, showing them how to eat right and helping them to become better athletes. I see a mom. Why doesn’t the ex see that? Insecurity? Denial? Fear? Does she only see the missteps? (Trust me, step-parenting isn’t easy. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve learned from them. I’m trying to make fewer mistakes and my husband’s ex knows and believes that.)

My interaction with my step-daughters’ mom started when I came into her children’s lives, almost ten years ago, so our history begins there. But our relationship began when we both stopped pushing the other one away and raised the white flag. Of course, it didn’t happen overnight, but my husband’s ex and I can call, e-mail or text when we need to share information so that the kids have what they need. We also help each other out as human beings, too, just because.

In my opinion, our story stayed in the “mild zone” compared to some of the craziness I’ve been hearing about that’s going on in the lives of my children’s friends, amongst their divorced parents, but craziness is relative. A little bit can go a long way. All I know is that we can walk into a bar and have a beer together. Turns out, beer goes great with exes.

My point is this: divorce is painful. It’s painful for everyone—especially the children. Whether you are a new spouse dealing with an ex, or an ex-spouse dealing with a new wife or husband, your job is to lessen the sting of divorce for your children and/or step-children. (Big shout out to my ex-husband, who early on in my second marriage recognized the importance of my new partner who was willing to care for another man’s children as his own when my ex couldn’t be there.) If you want less pain for your children, embrace the ex. Encourage your spouse to embrace the ex. Trust the new wife or husband, unless he or she is a dangerous criminal, or watches Fox News. Just kidding. Criminals can often be rehabilitated.

If you think your child could not benefit from having one more loving presence in his or her life, regardless of title, please let me know. If you can honestly say that your child or children love hearing you bitch about the ex, or the new spouse, do me a favor: sit down, look your children in the eye and ask them how it feels in the pit of their stomach when you fight with or criticize their other parent, someone they love unconditionally, or the people that parent chooses to love. Let me know how they respond.

When you bash the person a child loves, you are bashing the child. You are bashing their feelings for another human being. You are bashing love.

Don’t wait another day. Drop all the instruments of destruction, whether it’s your words or facial expressions at a weekend soccer game, Facebook posts, or nasty text messages. Drop it all right now, and wipe the slate clean, for your children.

Someday, maybe you’ll be having a beer with the exes, who don’t all live in Texas.

Photo Credit:

Microsoft Office Clipart

Can a break up relieve stress? In some cases, yes. For example, a friend of mine was unhappy in her relationship. She complained about it being difficult for her to experience the emotional and sexual intimacy she once had.  She had only been married five years and she and her husband had demanding careers. She was feeling stressed both at home and at work. She felt the strain of her obligations as the role of ‘wife’ became difficult for her to fulfill.  She sought counseling to address her deteriorating marriage.

What she found was that a committed intimate relationship is marked by the investment of resources such as self-disclosures, mutual friends, and shared possessions. And by virtue of the passage of time, longer relationships tend to include more investments. As time passes, an emotional investment is made, more memories are made, intimate knowledge is exchanged, activities and friends are shared; lives become more intertwined. We know that there are psychological and physiological benefits to an intimate relationship, especially marriage.

It is no different when you are in a cohabiting relationship as it is a greater investment than a dating relationship. For example, cohabiting couples often pool resources, such as money for rent, utilities, and groceries. And, because couples who live together invest more in their relationships than they do dating couples, they are often more impacted by a break-up. After all, they often have made plans to marry and this can possibly lead to a decline in their mental health and well-being.

As in any relationship, after a break-up, individuals who have invested more time can be more distressed than those who dated their partners for less time. But put another way, having been rejected seems to be associated with more distress after a break-up. When there is the termination of a relationship it may provide some relief, particularly for the person who initiated the break-up.

So how do you bounce back from a break Up? The old saying that time heals all wounds applies to break ups, too. Your first priority should be to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with family and friends, seek professional counseling, or do things you like doing. Stay busy and remember these words by Herman Hesse, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

Photo Credit

“Broken Relationship” Photographer unknown