It’s been over two months now, over two months that you’ve been gone, your ashes buried beneath the earth. I haven’t been back to the cemetery. It’s too hard. One day I will. But not today.

Today I’m somewhat in denial. Somewhat lost, still, in a world that’s not mine because you’re not here with me. And you’re always with me. Or you used to always be with me. I’m in that space that has room for one. I want you to join me. Where are you? I’m in this void, this empty space. There’s no laughter here. You took that with you too. Oh, one day I may laugh again, I mean really laugh and feel it. But not today.

You were sick for so long. Five long years of chemo, radiation and immunotherapy. So many promises. Oh, the doctor said the cancer is gone. No cancer, yay. We all shout out with joy, only to find months later the cancer is back. The cancer touches you and it never lets you go. It’s my enemy, my nemesis. It, that shitty cancer, kept me from you. It took your spirit, your strength and your desire to do anything but sleep. Some of those days were good, when you didn’t feel too sick or too tired or too depressed. Right up until the end you fought that cancer, even though you were so far gone I’m sure you didn’t even know what was going on with your mind or your body. But you never let go of life, of those small things that turn into big things. Those smiles when your children and grandson would arrive. Those spontaneous dances in the kitchen. The kisses you gave me and the hugs that felt like you’d never let go. You fought like hell to hold on to the life you had and the people you loved. You didn’t back down, ever. One day at a time. I, on the other hand, worried. That was my job. I worried about you, I worried about our future, I worried about my own health. I worried you would fall or have a stroke, or that you’d die without anyone by your side, without someone to hold your hand and help you to be calm. I spent several hours a day, I’m sure, in a constant state of worry. A lot of good it did us. The worrying, I mean. All that energy spent. It filled my days.

Yet in the end, it played out as it should have. Or sort of. You fell and I couldn’t get you up. With all my heart and soul I wanted you to get up and get back into bed. I wanted you to stand up and feel your strength, but you couldn’t. You were too sick, too far gone for a miracle. I only had to make the call and I knew it would be the end. I didn’t want you to go to a nursing home. The doctor said you had no cancer so it must be dementia. Oh, how little these doctors know or how little they want to share with their patients. Dementia, my ass. I knew all along. Even though it was told to me a hundred times the cancer was gone, I didn’t believe it. I wanted to, and I was happy you believed it. Why wouldn’t you? You’re young, were young, we still had so many years of life together that we could’ve embraced and enjoyed. But it was brain cancer, and it wasn’t long before we had to say goodbye to you, the children and I. Thankfully you weren’t in a hospital but in a beautiful palliative care centre near our home. It made such a difference for you, and for us. You were so well looked after and so peaceful. No more falling, no more pain, no more running to hospitals anymore. Just like that, it was over.

Just a little over two months now you’ve been gone. But I saw you in my dream. You looked so handsome and healthy. We hugged, you asked how the children were. My beautiful blue-eyed boy. I miss you every day, every hour, every minute.

I went to see a medium, a spiritual guide. I had to know if you were okay, if you weren’t too shocked to find yourself on the other side. You weren’t really aware of how sick you were and I worried you would be afraid. I had to know if you were safe and happy. She said you were aware of what was going on but on another level. She said you were thankful and grateful for all I did for you. Those were our vows. In sickness and in health. She said you were fishing (I smiled when she told me that) and she said you felt bad we didn’t get one more trip on the books. You also said you felt like your duties as a Dad hadn’t been finished. You were the best Dad ever, my love. There’s no doubt in my mind about that.

I just wish you could’ve held off on the whole dying thing until maybe we were in our eighties. I was told by the medium that our fate is pre-destined, that we choose it. All that talk about dying young. I guess on some level you always knew, didn’t you. Sixty-four isn’t young but it’s young when you’re sixty-four.

I watched a video today of our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary party. That was such a magical night. Shannon and George sang “We’ve Only Just Begun” as you and I danced in our back yard surrounded by our children and our family and friends. I cried. I do a lot of that. And then there were videos of the cottage, of you pushing our son Ryan off the dock and into the lake. It was funny and made me laugh. So many memories, so many wonderful times together. I’m grateful for those memories every day. 

I’m still in a void, but one day, just not today, I hope I can close up the hole that has ravaged my heart and really laugh again.

I hope we meet again, my love. When we do, I’ll know it’s you from the way the butterflies in my tummy will flutter. Your smile and your touch will fill that void, and we will begin anew.

Photo Credits

Photos courtesy of Martha Farley – all rights reserved

He used to bring me coffee in bed
we would lie there and talk
starting our weekend mornings with a cup of java
was always the best
he used to squeeze my hand so tight
as we would take our walks here and there
holding hands like teenagers
he used to surprise me with special gifts on special days
flowers and jewelry and fabulous trips
he used to love me so tenderly
full of passion and joy, our love always so strong
he used to make me laugh
so much laughter, his humor infectious
the things he came up with would make me roar
he used to share his secrets with me and I with him
my best friend, my confidant
I always knew he was there
he used to look after me
when I was sick or tired or both
he would pick up and carry on
ever so quietly, things got done
he used to say things that I was thinking
we could say the same thing at the same time
our minds working together
he used to smile at me from across a room
that gave me shivers, and made me smile too
he used to spend so much time with our babies
tending to them, loving them
helping them grow, nurturing
he used to make my lunches, he would cut off the crust
and cut the sandwich in triangles
he used to watch sentimental movies with me and we’d cry
and then we would make fun of each other for crying
he used to lose sleep while going to our children’s events
hockey and plays, graduations and birthday parties
he used to work nights and so our car was always clean in the winter
driveways were shovelled before we all left
he used to always love dogs
from Kimmy to Trinity, our barking dog
whom he loved like one of his kids
he used to love to scare me
popping out of dark corners and yelling
was one of the things that had him in stitches
he used to laugh and joke
and find the humor in most things
he loved to laugh
he used to be
my husband
my friend
my lover
he is gone now
I miss him terribly
already 
he used to be…

Brian Alexander Page 
July 15th, 1958 – April 1st, 2023

Photo Credits

Photos courtesy of Martha Farley – all rights reserved

This was what we did when we were young and foolish and had no plans for the future. It was during one of these nights that I met a young man. He was nineteen at the time. I saw him standing at the entrance to the bar under a stark bright light. He stood there for some time before he walked toward our table. I was a regular at this bar, and knew pretty much who was who. I hadn’t seen this young man before, and I was so taken with him. He was attractive, in a bad-boy kind of way. He had long hair, clean, and obviously blow-dried to perfection. His eyes were a piercing blue and he had a warm, delicious smile that melted my heart. He was boyish, yet had a manly presence about him. He was tall and carried himself with purpose. 

The girls and I shared the same table every weekend. This was our favorite bar, a bar where the music was loud and the beer on tap. We knew pretty much every waiter in the place by name. Lionel and Maurice were two of our favorites. Lionel was more serious and probably wondered what each of us would make of ourselves, and if his children were doing the same thing – drinking their young lives away in a dark, smelly bar, weekend after weekend. Maurice was the opposite. The man was clearly out to make money and he must have made a bundle in tips in that place, night after night.

On this particular night, when this blue-eyed boy walked in, my heart raced. It skipped a beat. I felt like I’d known him forever. He captured my heart. There was a sweetness to him, a calm that was mysterious in some way. I felt like we’d known each other before. Perhaps in a past life we’d been lovers, in Rome or Paris, somewhere romantic where our love had been extinguished by prejudice or pride. But we found each other again.

We were the tail end of the boomers and there were a lot of us. In our town, the bars were plenty and the beer was flowing. We were young and stupid and our hormones were soaring. Maybe we were looking for something? What it was I still, to this day, have no idea. It was 1978 and we had our whole lives ahead of us. What do you do with yourself at that age? You rebel. You squirm and carry on like a crazy person until you figure it out. You go through the pain of being lost, of being nobody. You look for love. You look for a way to be carried through the journey that is life, that’s so terrifying at that young age.

I found love. With him, the blue-eyed boy. Our relationship went on for many years without a commitment until we were married in 1984. I married this young man on the premise we’d have a good life together. I married him because I loved him with all my heart and knew that love conquered all. I knew that he loved me too, just as furiously, and that we’d find a way to make a life together.

Through thick and thin, we’ve lived almost forty years, side by side. We’ve conquered addiction, loss, and sorrow. We’ve raised two beautiful children, a son and a daughter, who contribute to society and who, in their own right, have made a mark on the world. And to our delight, we have a beautiful grandson who is our pride and joy. Not bad for a couple who met in a bar. Who could predict what our future would hold? It’s been a life of laughter and love, a life I would not trade for fame or fortune. The connection this blue-eyed boy and I have is far more precious than anything I can think of in the world today.

Now in our sixties, we are on a different path. This path is one of solace and silence. A path that neither he nor I would ever have chosen, yet here we are. He’s living with stage 4 lung cancer. My, how things can change within minutes; how life can look so different when struck with the idea of mortality. I still see the blue-eyed boy, looking at me with hope and love. We carry on with the knowledge that time is an enemy we cannot deny, and each day we are grateful. Grateful to have each other, to have someone to cheer us on when it seems we’re all alone.

All those years we’ve left behind us are the years that made us who we are today. My blue-eyed boy is still as handsome and sweet as he was when I first met him. Although we’ve changed quite a bit over the years, I still see that young man and am thankful for this life we’ve built together.

Photo Credits

Photos courtesy of Martha Farley – all rights reserved

If so, it may be a sign that you need to develop some serious listening skills.

Listening is how we take in and process information, it’s how we show respect to our partner, and it’s an integral part of the communication process – so why are listening skills so hard to implement?

The answer is simple – we live in a world of distractions. We’re glued to our phones and our own opinions, both of which make it difficult for those we love to communicate with us.

Do you want to be a better partner? If so, you need to learn to let your spouse have their say – without interruption! That’s why we’re showing you 7 communication tips for couples that will improve your ability to listen.

1. Listen with a motive

Why are you choosing to stay quiet when your partner is talking?

If you want to improve your listening skills, you need to know why you’re staying quiet. After all, you’re not just doing it to be polite, you’re doing it to be respectful.

Listen with a motive. Not only does giving your partner the floor show them respect, but it also helps you understand why they feel the way they do. It allows you to quietly think about how to solve the problem at hand.

2. Block out distractions

If your spouse is talking to you, but your face is buried in your phone or you are looking through your partner to see what’s on the television, can you really say you’re listening?

As brought out in the onset, we live in a world that is full of distractions. We have shows, videos, conversations, live chat, photos, cameras, work, and social media at our fingertips.

A study done at the University of Sussex in the UK scanned the brains of multi-taskers. 

Participants played on their phones and watched television at the same time. The MRI scans found that multi-taskers showed a lower amount of brain density in the anterior cingulate cortex.

In English? 

This means that when you multi-task (such as playing on your phone while trying to communicate with your spouse) you’re less likely to express emotional control, empathy, and have lower levels of perception, learning, and reasoning.

When it comes to listening skills and communication, multitasking is an absolute nightmare!

Give your partner your full attention by turning your phone on silent and ridding yourself of any other distractions when they are trying to talk to you.

3. Repeat what you heard

One way you can show your partner you’re listening is by repeating some of the things they are saying.

Summarizing what your partner has said can solidify their thoughts in your mind. 

Repeating what you think they’re trying to say can also show your partner whether or not you’re perceiving their communication correctly, and prevent misunderstandings.

Just make sure you’re not repeating their speech in a way that seems robotic or bored.

4. Maintain eye-contact

Eye-contact is one of our top communication tips for couples. It may sound silly, but if you want your spouse to know that you’re listening to them you have to look them in the eyes.

If your partner sees you looking around the room or glancing at the clock on the wall, it will give them the impression that you aren’t listening or are counting down the minutes until the conversation can be over. 

Such actions will make your partner feel unimportant and deflated.

Hold their gaze to let them know they have your undivided attention, just be careful not to look at them in a way that may make them feel defensive or upset.

5. Don’t judge your partner

Making your partner feel like you’re judging them is a bad move when it comes to the wide world of communication.

Nobody likes to feel judged. 

If someone is using a condescending tone or is making an expression that makes you feel stupid, you’re not likely to confide in that person ever again.

Similarly, if your partner is sharing something with you (or if you’re in the midst of an argument) do your best not to do anything that will make them feel belittled.

6. Ask open-ended questions

Listening isn’t all about staying quiet. It’s about knowing when to speak.

One of the best ways to boost your listening skills is by asking open-ended questions with your partner, such as:

• Who has upset you?
• What would you like me to do?
• When did you start feeling this way?
• Why do you think so?
• How does that make you feel?
• Is something else bothering you?

Using open-ended questions is a great way to get your partner talking. 

When you use supplementary questions, they’ll go into more detail about whatever it is they want to talk about and you’ll be able to communicate effectively as a result.

7. Wait before you respond

It’s unfortunately easy to interrupt a partner when you’re in the middle of a conflict. 

After all, they have the situation all wrong! You want to jump in and say your piece before this gets out of hand, right?

Whatever you want to say maybe a fair point, but it’s always better to wait, listen, think, and then say what you have to say. This will give you time to consider your spouse’s side of things and avoid saying anything rash in the heat of the moment.

If you want to boost respect in your relationship, you must learn to listen. Don’t interrupt your partner, banish distractions like your phone or the television, and ask open-ended questions to draw out your spouse.

These communication tips for couples will help you improve your listening skills and build a stronger marriage.

Photo Credit

Image by pasja1000 from Pixabay

Guest Author Bio
Rachael Pace

Rachael is a noted writer currently associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of her motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying about today’s evolving forms of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on all types of romantic connections. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together.   

For instance, paper is the traditional suggestion for a couple’s first anniversary. Its meaning is fitting, as just like the beginning of marriage, paper is fragile, yet will last a lifetime if properly cared for. Leather, on the other hand, is recommended for year three as a symbol of the shelter and security a couple has built between them. By the time they reach their first decade of marriage, the symbolism continues, and a couple has much to celebrate. The traditional gift is tin or aluminum, which speaks of the pliability or flexibility that a successful marriage requires.

However, this doesn’t mean gifts need to be limited to these suggestions. Thinking outside the box can be fun! For example, tickets to a concert could be the ‘paper’on your first anniversary, and a flight somewhere on a ‘tin’ plane could be the way you celebrate your tenth. Of course, if you love the idea of keeping to a traditional gesture, referring to a list of anniversary gift ideas by year can be extremely helpful.

In the meantime, if you’re thinking of throwing a modern spin on your next wedding anniversary celebration, here are a few ideas to get you started:

Just The Two of You

Fly Overseas
If this is a milestone anniversary, consider travelling overseas to a romantic city like Paris, or pack your swimsuits for a sunny getaway in Bali. Or, perhaps you postponed your honeymoon and take this opportunity to finally visit the vineyards of Italy or the Great Wall of China.

Visit Your Favorite City
Booking a weekend trip to your favorite city may be just what you need to relax and unwind while still being kind to your pocketbook. Take in an exhibition, stroll around a botanical garden or return to your favorite haunts. The idea is to maximize time together and minimize travel time.

Couples Spa
This could be the ideal getaway for those who have a demanding lifestyle that affords very little room for relaxation. Ask family members to look after the children or get a house sitter to care for pets in your home.

Want your family and friends to help you celebrate? These ideas are just some examples of how you can plan with a crowd in mind:

Celebrations With Friends and Family
 
Get Tickets to an Event      
Whether you share a favorite headliner or adore opera or sports, get tickets for an exciting event that you’ll all enjoy. Kick it up a notch and make it a black tie dress code!

Book a Private Room at a Restaurant
Go out for dinner and make it extra-special by booking a private room at your favorite restaurant or one where there’s a special set menu. This allows you to spend unrushed time together without the worry of having to give up your table for the next reservation.

Rent an Airbnb for the Weekend
Save yourself the trouble of trying to accommodate large numbers of people in your home and instead, invite everyone to a nearby Airbnb. Not only will there be room for everyone, but you can also choose the amenities you want, such as a games room, hot tub, surround-sound stereo system etc.

How you celebrate your wedding anniversary and the gifts you choose will ultimately be up to you. No matter what you decide – traditional or modern, a small celebration or a large one – I hope these ideas inspire you to plan your next anniversary celebration that’s as unique as your love!

Photo Credit

Photo courtesy of Flickr – some rights reserved

Guest Author Bio
Trenton J. Smith

Trenton is an aspiring writer who loves to research and write about a wide variety of topics. When he is not writing, he enjoys gardening and long walks with his dog Boomer.

Tim and I will celebrate our twenty-first wedding anniversary tomorrow. We are traveling together – just the two of us – to Croatia. Usually it’s a family trip with a detailed itinerary. Both of us are extremely organized, but I admit my hubby has a special flair for finding amazing travel deals and creating exhaustive Excel spreadsheets filled with hotel timelines and comprehensive air schedules.

Two weeks ago, we were officially diagnosed with empty nest syndrome. Our life’s itinerary has shifted. My head is spinning and my heart is heavy. I want some time to relax, be quiet, and reflect on our newfound normal. I’ve brought a book about daring greatly in this next season of my life.

I sip the white wine I’ve ordered. It’s not good. It’s not even the kind I sort of like, but who cares. Its airplane wine, I remind myself, and it’s doing the job – mellowing my hyper, overly anxious, constantly analyzing mind.

I look at Tim beside me, beginning to close his eyes. He is a hardworking man, linear and systematic. I press my hand on his arm, feeling the warm of his skin under a soft blue polo shirt. He gives me a smile, squeezes my hand, and returns to his slumber. This trip is not about revitalizing our relationship but rather spending uninterrupted time together without our now fully-grown children or a specific travel plan – a healthy and spontaneous second honeymoon.
—
Resting my head against my seatback and closing my eyes, I travel back twenty-one years. Relaxed as he was, the justice of the peace was a little bothered by our misbehavior during his serious speech about wedding rings and what they symbolize. Honestly, I wasn’t trying to be ill-mannered… I just wanted a peek at my ring! The design of my wedding band was a surprise and I was overcome with childlike excitement. Who could blame me?

“I pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” Tim held me and kissed me, energetically and tenderly, the same way he still does with such warmth and enthusiasm. Two decades later, our public displays of affection often irritate our two teenaged sons. “Get a room,” they quip. Yet they themselves mimic similar fondness with their own lady friends.

We walked back down the aisle all smiles – full of glee and innocence. Maybe a smidgen naïve as to what we were getting ourselves into. Well, I was anyways. And so, our life began.

Because, for me, my life truly did begin when I married Tim.
—
“Whom can you trust?” my therapist asked me years ago.

“No one, really – except myself,” I said. My father died when I was eleven, my mother remarried a dud only to eventually divorce him. Life was not dependable, nor were the people closest to me. My childhood was spent in survival mode.

“Then that’s your answer,” she whispered.

Yes, I had my answer. I would have to trust my gut. I married a man not knowing for sure if I could trust him not to hurt me or leave me. But my instincts told me that Tim was honest and good. We shared so much in common. We both understood abandonment and how to mask the pain of feeling unloved and alone.

“He lets me be my crazy self,” I told my therapist. “He has a selfless heart and soulful eyes. I think it will work. Even if he is into horse racing and the stock market.”

“He sounds cool,” my therapist observed.

Tim makes careful decisions whereas I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants. Despite our differences, our philosophy of life is the same: if you can’t have fun there’s no sense in doing it. Life for me had always seemed random and risky so what did I have to lose? And at twenty-three what did I know?

I knew I adored Tim. Now at forty-five, I still adore him. I also admire him. Love requires two people who are willing to do the work and not give up. Tim is the warmest, most generous man I’ve ever known. He is my best friend, my comrade, and the only person I would want to navigate the road of life with. I recognized our potential twenty-one years ago. It turns out my instincts were accurate.
—
Our years together have been a complete whirlwind… and much too full to try and summarize here. Neither of us ever wants to miss anything life has to offer. Our lives are fast, always running in fifth gear. How we manage to avoid burnout I will never know. All marriages can go awry, but we work together. True communication and respect were concepts I’d never understood, let alone experienced, before Tim. We have weathered many storms and we are still solid.

Tim loves me in a way that forces me to love myself more. I remember my first Christmas gift from him. Tucked inside a white shirt box that was wrapped with a satin turquoise bow I found a black sweatshirt with “SAP” embroidered in white block letters across the front. He was reminding me of my “sappiness”, one of the reasons he fell in love with me. It was his way of expressing his own extreme sentimentality – in his uniquely witty way.

What a grand gesture. (Shhh, I seldom wear it!) I pull it out every now and then to remind myself how lucky I am to have this guy in my life. This guy sleeping next to me on the plane. The guy I chose to build a family with. The guy my therapist said sounded cool. The baldheaded guy my sister made snarky comments about. The guy who would never put himself before me, unless it was to save me from a bullet or an oncoming car. The guy with beautiful brown eyes, which light up when he sees me after two days or ten days away. The guy I choose to banter with, share secrets with, drink pinot noir with and be spontaneous with – every damn day of my life.
—
I’m jostled into the present as we hit rough air and seat belt signs light up the quiet cabin. I hold onto my glass, not wanting the contents to spill all over my jeans. Flying is kind of like marriage, isn’t it? Turbulence comes and goes. All you can do is hold on tight, hoping for smoother air but never really knowing what the rest of the flight will be like.

I look out at the horizon as we pass over a patch of the Pacific. As the pilot banks a turn, the horizon disappears and shades of green and blue saturate my eyes like the waterlily pond from Monet’s painting. I am reminded of our honeymoon in Giverny, France. I will never forget that magically misty day, standing together on the emerald green footbridge, inhaling fragrant wafts of wisteria.

As the pilot announces our initial decent, I glance over at Tim. I can honestly say that I have fallen in love with every bit of my partner’s soul. My perfectly imperfect partner of twenty-one years. If I was not willing to risk the unusual, I would have had to settle for the ordinary. I ended up with a marriage nothing less than extraordinary!

Photo Credit

Photo is courtesy of the author

First published at Prolific Preambles

Guest Author Bio
Shannon Hogan Cohen

There has always been a special place in my heart for storytelling. I write because there is so much to say and my two teenage boys’ tire of listening to me. I write for insight, the more written the more I learn about myself. My passion for life and learning drives my appetite for adventure. Interests include travelling and learning about different cultures. I am married to a man who joins me on this journey and encourages me to grow.

To read more of my writing, please visit my website Prolific Preambles.

Connect with me: LinkedIn

Note: Shannon has recently published a book entitled, “S.H.E. Share Heal Empower” … Collected Journeys – which unveils stories of women across all ages and cultures, who courageously reached within to overcome extraordinary obstacles – each chapter includes art by female artists worldwide.
Website: www.sharehealempower.com

I was livin’ to run and running to live,
Never worried about payin’ or even how much I owe.
~ Against the Wind, by Bob Seger

As I drove on, pressed against time, I was already preparing my defense. In my head, I saw myself in a TV courtroom pleading my own case like a seasoned lawyer, “Members of the jury, here stands an innocent man!” It didn’t work. And, when I heard the car door slamming shut – like the sound of a judge’s gavel banging down – I knew sentencing was about to begin.

“I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world,
With my little songs, I was wrong.”
~ She Believes in Me by Kenny Rogers

But, ‘things can change’, and the day I realized that I was maturing, happened the day I heard my wife say, “This is a first… you’re finally on time!” I also knew that, for years, I’d been treating her last… when really, she was first in my life. I mean, without her where would I be? – nowhere.

“But she has faith in me…
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, while she waits for me.”
~ She Believes in Me by Kenny Rogers

Recently, a middle-aged friend asked me what I do “with all my time” – since taking early retirement. I had to explain to him that, where once it was all about me, our family, and my career… it was now “we” instead of “me.” Like an old bit of African wisdom says, “If you go by yourself, you’ll go faster; if you go together, you’ll go further. And, we have gone further, at least for us: including trips to Italy and Portugal, in one year.

“Why don’t we take off alone
Take a trip somewhere far, far away
We’ll be together all alone again
Like we used to in the early days
~ (Just Like) Starting Over by John Lennon

Also, from our downtown perch – since downsizing – we’ve taken up biking, exploratory walks, yoga, pilates… even ballroom dancing. Plus, I started running again. Now, with all this activity you’d think we’d lose lots of weight. Not true! – along the way, we’ve discovered dozens of coffee shops, bistros and other hot spots… all featuring their own special treats. Maybe, that’s why my bathroom scales won’t go any lower.

Yet, we figure this is the time to make the most of our lives together – not waiting until health prevents us. So, when someone else asks what we’re up to these days, I’ll just look at my watch… smile and say… nothing much!

Image Credits

Feature photo is pixabay creative commons

Guest Author Bio
Fred Parry
Fred Parry lives in Southern Ontario. He is a lover of people and a collector of stories, music, wisdom, and grandchildren. His newspaper column, Music in Me, can be found in ‘The New Hamburg Independent’ Metroland Media. His book, ‘The Music In Me’ (2013) Friesen Press is Available from Amazon and Indigo / Chapters.

Blog / Website: www.fredparry.ca

What if I told you that you can get married in a castle in rural Netherlands…and for way less than what a major hotel in your home town would charge for the same services? With air fares getting cheaper every year the distance doesn’t have to be an obstacle for a small wedding party.

Caslte Sterkenburg from the air.

In my case I had the advantage that my Dutch bride’s family all live in Holland so the challenge was to get just myself, Stella (my “Dutchie”) and my daughter, who was doing double duty as the maid-of-honour, to the venue.

Granted that this ceremony was our second as we had been married a few weeks before in Nova Scotia, our place of residence. This was where all the paperwork was done. The major reason for two ceremonies was that both our fathers were in their eighties and travel was problematic, so we simply “brought the mountain to Mohammed” and had weddings in two places so our dads could both attend.

Castle Sterkenburg centers around a 12th Century tower with the rest of the castle having been updated to something straight out of 18th century Vienna. Loaded with antiques, each room was huge and exuded charm. Stella and I were lodged in a suite worthy of Empress Maria Theresa while my daughter was exiled to “the Tower”, not as bad as it sounds as the room was large, quite round and luxuriously appointed in a more Medieval style.

Groom and bride on top of castle tower.

The day of our wedding found us aboard a carriage drawn by two huge black Frisian horses, much to my horse-loving daughters delight. We were greeted with applause by our guests who were scattered on the bridge which crosses the moat.

George and Stella approach the castle after arriving in a horse-drawn carriage.

The ceremony was ably performed by good friend Father Henry, my daughter providing a très romantique version of the Elvis classic, I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You. Afterwards a champagne toast, four course dinner and an exchange of toasts and stories.

Bride sitting by the window of our suite at Sterkenburg

They say one picture is worth a thousand words. If so the following video is worth a million. Check it out.
Special thanks to videographer Wouter Hoonakker and his drone for the fine video camera work. WouterMedia

If You Go… Castle Sterkenburg

Co-authored by George Burden and Stella van der Lugt

Photo Credits

Castle Sterkenburg from the air – courtesy Castle Sterkenburg

All other photos by Stella van der Lugt – All Rights Reserved

It’s a beautiful time – a gesture of pure love and commitment. But why a ring?

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

Symbolic use of rings can be dated all the way back to prehistoric times. Cavemen would wrap cords they had created from braided grass around their partner’s wrists, ankles, and waist in an effort to bring her spirit under his control. Not the most romantic act of love, but an origin nonetheless.

The tradition of the engagement ring was born thousands of years later when the ancient Egyptians added romance to the symbolic ring. For them, the ring represented eternal love, while the gap portrayed a gateway to the couple’s future together. Wedding bands of braided reeds would be exchanged between husband and wife upon their marriage and would be worn on the ring finger of the left hand. The choice of the finger, which is still the one these rings are worn on today, was due to the vein from this finger running to the heart, this was later called the Vena Amoris in 1686, meaning the ‘vein of love’.

Jumping ahead to the ancient Romans, Pliny the Elder – a Roman author, recalls the start of the tradition of engagement rings. His account suggests that brides were given two rings, one made out of gold, given at the wedding ceremony and worn at special events following, and one made out of iron for wear around the home. Unlike the romantic symbolism of the rings given today, these rings represented ownership, and the rings were the legal binding agreement of said property.

Over a century later, the next step of the evolution began when puzzle rings started appearing in what is now known as Turkey. These rings were given to sultans and sheikhs to present to their wives and would fall apart if removed, as such, reducing the risk of infidelity. It wasn’t until 860AD that the meaning of the ring started to change. Pope Nicolas I stated that it was a requirement for the groom to present his wife with a gold ring and this was a symbol of his wealth and ability to take care of her.

It was centuries later that the first diamond appeared prominently on an engagement ring. In 1477, Archduke Maximillian of Austria gave his betrothed, Mary of Burgundy, a gold engagement band with the letter ‘M’ spelt out in diamonds. This ring received recognition and created a trend among the wealthy to present their loved ones with bejewelled rings.

Inscribed rings became popular in the 1700’s, these were usually very sentimental and called Poesy Rings, derived from the French word ‘poésie’, meaning poem. People were also very romantic in the 1800’s, often attributed to the love Queen Victoria had for Prince Albert. Rings in Victorian times were remarkably ornate, with designs combining different gems and metals and crafted into flowers and other shapes. Named Dearest Rings, the gem-heavy pieces were popular right through to Edwardian times.

In 1867, diamonds become much more available worldwide as they were discovered in South Africa. Almost two decades later, the iconic Tiffany & Co introduced a new design using six prongs to elevate the diamond away from the band and make it the centrepiece of the ring, this is called the ‘Tiffany Setting’.

By the 1930’s, custom diamond engagement rings became the standard symbol of eternal love and represented this promise between two people.

A DIAMOND IS FOREVER

Following the First World War, demand for diamonds declined. Amidst the Great Depression, in 1938, international diamond corporation De Beers started a campaign to reignite interest in the precious gemstone. Ten years later, they released the slogan ‘A Diamond is Forever’ in what would turn out to be one of the most successful marketing campaigns to date. Diamonds were portrayed to be the only true measure of the love and romance of a man and were synonymous with his wealth and success. Young women, on the other hand, were convinced that courtship would inevitably lead to a diamond. The campaign also suggested that one months’ salary should be what a man spends on a ring for his bride to be. However, in the 80’s they repositioned this statement to two months, with taglines such as: ‘Isn’t two months’ salary a small price to pay for something that lasts forever?’.

According to recent reports, China, India, and the US will be the main driving force in the diamond industry over the next decade, with more than 80 percent of brides being proposed to with diamond engagement rings in America. China is currently evolving from generations where a simple band would be worn on the right hand of a bride-to-be and switched to the left hand upon marrying. However, over 30 percent of brides in China are now receiving diamond rings, a custom which was unheard of in the 90’s. Japan also changed their traditions to the diamond back in the 1970’s.

The diamond engagement ring is now a global culture, which could never be replaced. However, the future for this practice could see 3D printed rings and completely customised rings, a service which some jewellers already offer. One thing is for certain, no matter how it is designed, the diamond truly is forever.

Photo Credits

Photos courtesy of the author

Guest Author Bio
Kayleigh Stubbs

Kayleigh Stubbs is a writer with a mission to help couples in love live their classic love stories, creating informative and thought-provoking content on the perfect proposal to the all important wedding.

Coming back from London Ontario– driving down the western slope leading to our Bright farmhouse – I could see in the distance a strange van slowly crawling out of our gravel driveway. Two minutes later, as I walked towards the backdoor, I see my wife’s purse tossed on the deck, the foreboding house keys hang in the lock; yet, her car is parked as usual.

As I tried to piece this all together, I receive a garbled call from her cell phone saying, “Fred”… the phone goes dead.

Quickly, I make a round of phone calls to friends – no one’s seen her. Then, after getting another cryptic call from her cell phone, that ends abruptly, I figure this is either a cruel joke or something worse. Having had enough, I call 911. A patrol car arrives soon after.

I reviewed the situation with the officer. Why did she leave her purse and her house keys? Was the mysterious van a factor in her disappearance? If everything was normal, why wasn’t there a note? Why were her phone calls suddenly cut short?

With so many questions and no answers, he places an “all-points bulletin” call with the description of the mysterious van. As we talk further, I don’t know what to think. Finally, a call rings through: a friend, on a hunch, drives to nearby Plattsville and locates her. My wife has no idea the police are looking for her, but understands.

My wife calls and, talking to the officer, he learns that she was about to unlock the kitchen door when friends arrive in their new van. She walked over to greet them and accepts a last-minute invitation to a get-together at the local curling club – uncharacteristically forgetting her purse and house keys in the process.

She tried to call me to explain what happened, but couldn’t get through. Apparently, the two garbled cell calls were the result of poor reception from inside the arena complex – she was now using the club’s main line. Our friend offers to drive her home.

Outside, getting back into his cruiser, he calls for all units to stand down and waits for my wife to arrive home safely.

Finally, freed from my worst fears – knowing she’s only minutes away – my eyes unexpectedly fill with tears, making it impossible for me to speak, as shock sets in. Showing great empathy, the officer suggests I wait inside… “out of these cold winds.”

My wife arrives and he explains to her my reaction over her disappearance, while adding, “…and having met you for just a short time, I can understand why.”

Inside, she gives that knowing smile that asks if everything’s alright. It is.

“Me, I’ll take her laughter and her tears / And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I’ve got to be / The meaning of my life is… She”
~She by Elvis Costello

Photo Credits
Photo is pixabay Creative Commons
First published  at The New Hamburg Independent and at fredparry.ca

Guest Author Bio
Fred Parry
Fred Parry lives in Southern Ontario. He is a lover of people and a collector of stories, music, wisdom, and grandchildren. His newspaper column, Music in Me, can be found in ‘The New Hamburg Independent’ Metroland Media. His book, ‘The Music In Me’ (2013) Friesen Press is Available from Amazon and Indigo / Chapters.

Blog / Website: www.fredparry.ca